When a platform promises groundbreaking changes but delivers basic features from 1995, it's time to have an honest conversation.

Sometimes I think that tech companies keep dropping updates with promises of “groundbreaking changes” that end up…not so groundbreaking? We’ve all been there. Let’s have a little fun with the latest ConvertKit (now known as "Kit") updates announced this week. Here’s our lighthearted (and slightly sarcastic) take on what each new feature really means.

Let's dissect each of ConvertKit's new features:

Here’s what’s coming to ConvertKit:

> Too bad no one asked for any of it. Guess ConvertKit thought it could win people over by throwing more lackluster features at them.

More insights & reporting

> The irony of “insights” coming from a team that clearly lacks any. The blind leading the blind, as they say.

UTM by subscribers

> Because nothing says "cutting edge" like tracking subscribers—could they make it any less exciting?

CSV imports and exports

> Riveting. CSV imports and exports? Welcome to 1995. Really pushing the boundaries here, aren’t they?

Form reports

> Form reports? Wow, the absolute *minimum* anyone would expect from reporting. Bravo, truly.

New Broadcast page with better data visibility

> “Better data visibility”? As if “visible” data was ever the issue. More likely, it's garbage data presented with slightly more clarity.

New Landing Pages and Forms page with better data visibility

> They’re clearly out here patching up old problems and passing them off as innovation. Bare minimum stuff. Embarrassing.

Creator Network enhancements

> Enhancing a creator network that no one cares about—classic ConvertKit. Maybe they’re hoping that adding more to this dumpster fire will magically make it valuable.

Creator Profile enrichment

> “Enrichment”? More like adding cheap lipstick to a pig. The profiles were dull before, and they’ll be just as dull after.

Language filtering

> Language filtering? Nice. Now everyone can filter out the few people left who might’ve been using this platform.

Suggested creators

> Suggested creators that probably shouldn’t be “suggested” in any context. Maybe they should start with creators people actually want to see.

Growing the app store

> An app store that no one asked for, filled with apps that no one will use. This “growth” is just a sad attempt at relevance.

Automate your account with V4 of the ConvertKit API

> V4? They’re on version four of something no one cared about the first three times. Maybe if the first three were decent, they wouldn’t need a fourth.

Create & publish powerful apps to our vast network of professional creators

> “Vast network”? They must be confusing “vast” with “barely there.” There aren’t enough “professional creators” to fill a classroom, let alone a network.

Natively augment the ConvertKit experience with plugins

> Oh, because *plugins* are really going to save the ConvertKit experience. Nothing like a few gimmicky add-ons to cover up incompetence.

You’ll see new apps every month!

> Yeah, apps that are probably as useless as the last. A monthly addition of nonsense.

Tag and subscriber organization

> Organizing a mess still leaves you with a mess. This feature is the equivalent of rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic.

Improved page performance

> "Improved" from what, exactly? If the initial version was a disaster, shaving off a few milliseconds won’t change that.

Better tag organization

> Sure, organizing tags sounds helpful until you remember it’s only hiding the fact that there’s no real value in their tagging system to begin with.

Search subscriber by name

> Finally, they’ve given people the “gift” of basic search functionality. And it only took them how long?

Improvements in performance, quality, and usability

> “Improvements”? This implies there was something to improve on in the first place. Perhaps they’re aiming for “barely functional.”

What other features & updates do you want to see?

Maybe some self-awareness from the team? Actually train the product 'specialists'? Or a refund policy.

All jokes aside, this update cycle really missed the mark. At some point, you realize the “improvements” are just window dressing, and the real solutions never arrive. Couple that with dismal customer service that leaves user concerns hanging, and it’s clear ConvertKit isn’t the partner I need—one that’s listening to what users are asking for. So, for now, I’ll be taking my business elsewhere, in search of a platform that actually delivers on its promises and cares about its customers.